12.08.01 to 03.28.02 Spring has always been a bitch for me. Generally I lapse into a depression, close off everyone close to me, and lose some friends in the process who "don't understand why I'm acting this way." This spring it has been especially mild. Herein, I intend to tell you why I have not been updating and to brief you on who, what, where, when, why, how and with which kitchen utensils.

Why I have not been updating: Quite simply put, I have just been too busy to be depressed. There have been many times where I have been extraordinarily busy throughout my life. One of the busiest was the end of my junior year at Manhattanville; while still working at Home Depot full-time, I was taking something insane like 20 credits. That was a busy time. But, I have never experienced anything quite like graduate school.

I read constantly. No matter how much or how little reading I do, it is never enough. I'm always behind. I could (and often do) get 20 hours of sleep a night and spend the rest of the time doing work for classes. It doesn't matter. Somehow, however, everyone else in the rest of your classes somehow did find time to do the reading you did not. And, everyone but you read the book that would have answered the question you asked in the seminar which made you look like an asshole. Everyone's presentations are polished, well phrased, tight and topical. Your presentations are sloppy and full of off-topic esoteric concerns which "nobody does anymore." This is the real shit, kids. Take a year off before grad school and catch up on your discipline.

I've always thought I was a good student. I was like a pet at da Ville; I passed tests easily without significant work or effort. Things just came to me, intuitively. Now I realize that I'm mediocre.

I never realized how little I've mastered until I started studying with Charles Guignon. He's a superstar in Heidegger scholarship. I've always thought (in areas I've been poor in) that if I just spent more time understanding the underpinnings of the subject that it would be a breeze for me. I's tell myself: it's just a matter of learning the vocabulary, then I'd be as good as anyone else in subject 'A.' I was wrong. I've never had the humbling experience of however hard I've worked, it's just not good enough. Now I'm humble; now I realize how much I have to learn.

In a phrase: I've been busy. I've been busy learning and writing, trying to get better at what I've always thought I was good at.

So, if I haven't responded to that e-mail or given you a call in a while it is not because I have forgotten about you, but rather I have forgotten about myself. I've forgotten how insignificant I really am.

What I have been doing: I have recently been writing my MA thesis. I have been fighting with my landlord (aka 'that evil capitalist corporation'). I have been drinking and attending a karaoke bar regularly. I have been attending to my new girlfriend's needs, and forgetting my own. I have been eating and sleeping too little and thinking too much. I have been reading way too much Heidegger.

I have been watching reruns of 'Star Trek: TNG' and 'News Radio.' I have been listening to punk and industrial, death metal and acid jazz. I have been smoking a pack and a half a day and drinking twice a week. I have been fighting with the State of Florida to allow me in-state residency classification. I have been bumming rides, and balancing my checkbook in the futile attempt to find the money to fix my car. I have been reading The Onion and interesting comic strips.

I have been reading a good deal: Heidegger and Habermas, Marx and Marcuse, Badrillard and Badillaire, Husserl and Hegel, Adorno and Anaximander, to name a few.

I have been assigned to teach my own Logic class in Fall 2002. I have been preparing for the teaching of this course.

I have been pretending that I'm good enough to do professional philosophy. I have been doubting that I am.

Now that I have explained myself, I shall now begin updating regularly. You shall see me updating more regularly.