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Long time, no write. That's mostly because I've been extraordinarily busy. You see, October begins job-season for us aspiring academics--and I just spent the better part of the last month and a half sending information about myself to every job in philosophy for which I can remotely argue that I am qualified. Not a lot of people understand how the market works, much less how dehumanizing and stressful this process is. So let me answer the top-five most common questions that I get asked, and show you how stupid they really are. Please stop asking me these questions.

1. In what area are you applying?

I guess when it comes to K-12 education, one can move to a town and find a job nearby. That's because every municipality in the US has not only at least one high school, but also at least one elementary school and junior high school. Not so with higher education.

Every state has at least one public college or university, but many of them are spread out and it is not possible to really select the area that one ends up in. And that's because of the answer to 2.

2. Where would you like to end up?

This seems like a more sensible question, but just as stupid as #1. In fact, it's usually a follow-up to my lack of answer to number 1. I am applying everywhere from Maine to California. There's no telling what stupid and arbitrary reason that may make a given faculty either select me or not. That's because this is not a rational process. Internal politics and biases play a prominent role in these decisions. It is a common misconception that academics is a meritocracy. This is false. Academics is more truly political than, well, politics.

My answer to this question, when I take it seriously, is often vague. "Somewhere near the mountains," I like to say. And this is for no reason other than the fact that I've lived in Florida for so long that I need some relief from the lack of relief.

3. Why don't you get a job here [at the institution I'm currently teaching]?

Unlike corporate jobs, academic departments only hire once every few years on average--and it is usually in an area in which they need coverage, which may not be an area for which I'm qualified. There are some 500 jobs in philosophy this year. I'm applying to 80, which is far more than I am actually qualified for. That number is closer (but probably less than) 50. Neither of the institutions at which I am currently teaching will hire me full-time.

4. When will you know when you have a job?

The process begins in October, and you're lucky to know in March if you have a job. Unlucky people have to wait for June or so. Really unlucky people do not get jobs. So this question is frankly impossible to answer.

5. You're smart, so you'll get a job, right?

Wrong. Everyone with a Ph.D. is smart. Unlike in most lines of work, relying upon my intelligence hasn't gotten me any special perks for years. By 1999 numbers, there were 1.4 Ph.D's per job. That means not everyone will be fortunate enough to get a full-time academic gig.

6. What is philosophy?

*sigh*