06.30.2007: Social Breakdown
"A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope."
-Emerson
I'm in the middle of a social breakdown. For long I have shunned the trite social conventions and the pressures associated with them. I had a feeling that I was "better than that," and that that there was something pure and untainted to be found away from the chains of coercive conformity. I became the "smart kid," choosing a life of mind over the dull "freedom" (which is anything but) reinforced by our contemporary American ideology. School became to me an end in itself, not a means for a job. The job was to be something of immediate enjoyment, not an end to make money and support a family. And with choices comes a vague sense of nostalgia, gripping and nauseating, when considering alternate possibilities and different paths; different ways of covering the same ground--some less direct than others.
Recently I've been realizing that all of this has become a liability. There was a gradual breakdown of communication between N. and myself (she's not going to like that I mentioned her here, by the by; but, what is she going to do--stop talking to me again?), and what is left is resentment and anger, mostly on her part. I could not provide what she needed. Others have been pushing me in different directions to support their own ends. Meanwhile, I am virtually unable to work and have developed an acute case of social myopia.
I crave others. I want to go out and interact socially, but when I do I am met with disappointment. People at the bar are too young, too naive, not educated enough for my increasing standards. And as I grow more conversant in the history of ideas, it is just this that then counts against me. I can't relate to ordinary people anymore, preferring the company of dead white guys (mostly German). Ironically, my need to over-educate myself to overcome my insecurities associated with my childhood social isolation has led me, full-circle, back to social isolation. Which begs the question: is this causal attribution justified, or am I the type that is just destined to be alone?
To summarize: I can't work. I'm going stir-crazy. And when I get out, longing for the idea of company of others, I recoil from the actuality.
I hope this too will pass. In the mean time, I need some new people in my life.
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posted by faith on 06.30.07 @ 01:51 pm EST
06.15.2007: New Music for Summer
Experimental music is always a gamble. Some albums turn out to be quite good, others not so. But a few new releases are going to be a staple in my stereo for a little while. Here are some recommendations:
Tomahawk, Anonymous (Ipecac, 2007): Mike Patton (Faith No More, Mr. Bungle), Duane Dennison (Jesus Lizard) and John Stanier (Helmet, Battles) have been keeping experimental yet still accessible music moving forward. In their soon-to-be-released third album, Anonymous reaches back to re-interpret Native American music. And Mike Patton pulls it off quite well--
Secret Chiefs 3, various albums (Mimicry Records 2006-7): Trey Spruance's brainchild (and one of my favorite bands of all time), the Chiefs are back in several different incarnations. A rarities album was just released, entitled Path of Most Resistance, and the band has released four new 7" singles under different sub-bands, including The Ur, The Electromagnetic Azoth and Ishraqiyun. SC3's new album, Book of Souls, should be out this Fall. They will also soon be recording a disc for Zorn's Book of Angels series. I'm waiting with bated breath.
Unsane, Visiqueen (Ipecac, 2007): NY noise rock trio Unsane is back with their sixth album. More accessible than some of their earlier work, it has a strong flavor of early Helmet (which, if you know me, is quite a compliment).
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posted by faith on 06.15.07 @ 01:14 pm EST
06.01.2007: Tropical Depression
I'm spending this rainy Friday afternoon listening to experimental jazz and surfing the web. I have a chapter to edit--but interpersonal conflict has left me in no mood to write. I have class tonight to make up for the Monday holiday. I'll be showing a film (eXistenZ) in a not-so-veiled attempt to encourage attendance on a Friday night.
Maybe I can get some work done this weekend.
Congrats to Jingle who will be starting as a Visiting Assistant Professor at Frostberg State University (MD) this fall.
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posted by faith on 06.01.07 @ 04:35 pm EST
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