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I was going to go to the library today, but then the rain started. Drenching, saturating rains that melted my very negotiable tenacity. Perhaps tomorrow--

I'm going to spend the rest of the evening reading poetry (either Eliot or Whitman, not sure which yet) and most likely some Wittgenstein. I also will continue on in the Berlin biography of Marx in preparation for my first Marx lecture on Thursday. I have errands to run tomorrow, and then it's the clean, cinderblock walls of the second floor (periodicals and journals floor).

I will be celebrating my Independence on Tuesday. Actually, for the entire month of July. The only way to be free is to live freely, and so I must not only celebrate this independence--this lack of a qualitative hold on myself by others--but also must take strides to truly free myself from their gaze, by removing myself from it. I must become 'not' for some time. I must learn how I must live by paying attention to the process of living, of growing, of evolving, of changing. And one can only grow by removing the comfortable, stabilizing, enabling hold of one's context within the gaze of others.

I made last night what might be (for a little while) my last public appearance. I had a blast, it was great hanging with friends and comrades, but the time has come. I can no longer wait for tomorrow, I must worry about today. Likewise I cannot worry about others, I must worry about me.

I have been noticing recently that I have been waiting for tomorrows that never come. I have been striving for a life of which I am neither worthy of nor capable. I realize, and now admit, that have been very depressed for well over a year. I have been seeking shelter in the arms of others, striving for a sense of completeness which has not come. For all my ambition, a comfortable sloth has entered into my world saturated with the drippings of a bourgeois life that might have been but never could--a life that still currently reeks of the misdeeds of the past. I have been denying myself to myself. I have been self-medicating, I have been escaping, I have been denying. I have blamed others for things which I can only blame on myself. I have been stagnating, refusing to allow myself to grow or to change.

I have always feared change. But no longer.

My immanent move to a new part of town, a new place not haunted by the ghosts of Christmas past, will be very freeing psychologically (I am reminded of that Northern Exposure episode where Ed house sits for Maurice). One's mind, I have always thought, should a microcosm of the natural tendency of one's workspace; I have had it all backwards! A new, fresh workspace must and will be created by destroying the troubles inherent in a concern for the everydayness. I will be attempting to spend the rest of the summer in a stoic, spartan and solitary place. No drama will come from no people, for ex nihilo nihil fit.

I will be undergoing dramatic changes over the next month. I hope my efforts will emerge as I am reborn this Fall as a serious, dedicated mind finely-tuned to one goal: finishing my work. A new topic, a new focus, a new way to present myself on my CV. The only confirmation of my ability is not in the potential realm of what might be or what might have been, but in the world of what is. I will be because I must. I do not have the luxury of failure.

I will be limiting my posts here on this site until August. When I do post, I will be trying to stick to a confessional, open conversation about myself and not to continue writing about the things that piss me off in the world, or contining this chronicle of my struggle with my own ineptitude and laziness. Likewise, I will also be limiting the amount I answer my phone and/or generally concern myself with the affairs of others. Don't take any of this the wrong way. Everyone knows that I've always gone over and beyond to help others, and I will continue to do so after this has passed. But I need this time to allow myself to re-emerge from within myself, and there is no other way I can.

If I'm losing my mind, let me know. And if I do not re-emerge, come find me.