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04/27/2007: "N.eeds and Wants"
I made a decision yesterday, thinking that I could fix some of the problems we were facing. The situation blew up in my face. And now I feel as if I've cut off my arm. I wanted to take some time, gain some focus, and make things better. You wouldn't have any of it.
I need you still, but the past weeks have been hard. Something has been not-quite-right between us for quite a while. Talking didn't work. Nor did therapy. And in the end, all I got was screaming every time I would talk to you. I tried; I failed. I wanted to do what was best for both of us, but you only want to see what's best for you. You took my decision at face value, when in fact it contained many nuances. I was not feeling needed, let alone wanted. I wanted to make things right, but now everything is so very wrong.
This is the worst time of year for me with work. Finals week is always hectic, especially after the long trudge through the spring. It's like the last mile of a marathon. I'm over stressed, overworked, underpaid, and the interpersonal difficulties we were facing were slowly pushing me over the edge. I snapped. And now I've got to live with my decision.
All I have left is regret.
UPDATE (4/28): I take it all back. You apparently can't be consistent either in what you say or what you do--let alone what you want.