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01/28/2006: "~(p & ~p)"
I sit here and ponder my currrent state. I find myself in a maze of contractions, a dialectical nightmare from which I cannot awake.
I can't move forward, and there's nothing I can do to turn back the clock.
I can't stand the loneliness, but there's nobody I really want to see.
The only person I really care about I cannot be with. Or without.
Everything I say to convince her to return to me just drives her further away.
She won't pick up the phone when I call, but still I can't stop trying (just in case).
I know rationally it's for the best, but I can't help feeling what I feel.
I want to see her, but everytime I do I end up sinking deeper and deeper.
I want her to be happy, but I can't stand thinking about her happy without me.
So here I sit, a mix of anger and depression the only company I have. Thinking about her. Hating her for what she's done, but incessantly praying she will knock on the door; to tell me that it is not merely one-sided, that she really does care, and that she needs me as much as I need her. That all the sacrifices that I have made for her have not been in vain.
But, she's young and attractive. She's got options. I'm socially awkward and too well educated to attract another. So here I sit, her perfume still lingering in the room. I wonder what she's doing, what fun she is having, and am struck by the asymmetry--how easily she can forget about me when I can think of nothing but her. And here I will sit. Alone.
Replies: 2 comments
on Sunday, January 29th, Sarah said:
Talk about dark
on Sunday, January 29th, Christie said:
I don't mean any disrespect - you know how much I care about you - but I would think, with all you know, with all your education and accomplishments, that you would be a little bit stronger. I'm not trying to be unsympathetic. I realize that I can't feel your pain . . . but I've been there. I know it's horrible. And the things she has done to you are horrible. You can't trust her. She wasn’t loyal. Why would you want to put yourself in a situation with such potential for more heartache? Where are your self-esteem and self-respect?
I'm not trying to be selfish or to be cruel in anyway with my words. I just think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and ask yourself why you are allowing and encouraging yourself to be torn apart over and over again? There must be some part of you with a faulty cognition that believes you deserve this. I feel like you are stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I hate to see you do this to yourself.
How is your book review coming? Did you allow her to screw that up for you?
I’m really sorry for the tough love, but I am only saying these things to try to get you to take a stand for yourself and stop allowing yourself to be hurt. You are in control of how you are going to perceive this breakup. She’s 21. She wants to party like most 21 yr olds. Does putting your head back on the chopping block really make you happier then making a healthy decision for yourself?
