Wow! I haven't heard that many lies and that much bullshit since last time I talked with my ex.

He actually said "nuc-u-ler." Again.

Well, that's it. Our "representatives" have handed our freedoms to the far right wing agenda.

Christie's recent response to my post of the 28th contained much truth; therein, I thought I'd enliven everyone with some points concerning my new found freedom.

Here are a dozen things that are cool about being single:

1. No one upset (and/or calling constantly) when you decide to stay in the office late.

2. My grocery bill has plummetted to 25% of what it usually is.

3. I don't have to watch "Grey's Anatomy" or "Mew Mew Power" any longer.

4. Following from 3, I have a great deal more space on the Tivo for things like A-Team reruns.

5. I can smoke in the house.

6. No surprise visit to the "in-laws" (even though, admittedly, her mother is pretty cool).

7. I can leave my pile of research in one place, and it stays in that place.

8. My bathroom is no longer cluttered by "products" and tampons and miscellaneous clutter.

9. I can put beer in the fridge, and it's there the next day.

10. I have lots more time to work.

11. More space in the bed; I can sleep sideways, diagonal, or even upside down.

12. I can walk around naked in the house.

If it wasn't so lonely, I probably would never get in a relationship ever again. And since I'll be leaving Tampa in two years or so for a faculty position at an elite liberal arts school (and an accompanying starting salary in the 40's), I may not. I'll be getting out of this town, leaving the Nascar, the hee-haw Garth Brooks, and all the Florida-women behind (to quote Chioke, "A ho is a ho.")

Unless, of course I can find someone perfect. And, at this point, I will settle for nothing less.

I sit here and ponder my currrent state. I find myself in a maze of contractions, a dialectical nightmare from which I cannot awake.

I can't move forward, and there's nothing I can do to turn back the clock.

I can't stand the loneliness, but there's nobody I really want to see.

The only person I really care about I cannot be with. Or without.

Everything I say to convince her to return to me just drives her further away.

She won't pick up the phone when I call, but still I can't stop trying (just in case).

I know rationally it's for the best, but I can't help feeling what I feel.

I want to see her, but everytime I do I end up sinking deeper and deeper.

I want her to be happy, but I can't stand thinking about her happy without me.

So here I sit, a mix of anger and depression the only company I have. Thinking about her. Hating her for what she's done, but incessantly praying she will knock on the door; to tell me that it is not merely one-sided, that she really does care, and that she needs me as much as I need her. That all the sacrifices that I have made for her have not been in vain.

But, she's young and attractive. She's got options. I'm socially awkward and too well educated to attract another. So here I sit, her perfume still lingering in the room. I wonder what she's doing, what fun she is having, and am struck by the asymmetry--how easily she can forget about me when I can think of nothing but her. And here I will sit. Alone.

It is unreal the extent to which some people will go in order to avoid their responsibilities. "The check is in the mail?" No it's not. "I'll get you the money by the first." No you haven't. "I'll call you after work." No you didn't. "I'll call you after dinner." Nope. And most recently: "I'll stop by before work." Guess what happened . . .

It is not shocking that none of these assertions were true. What's shocking is that I actually wanted to believe that she would come through.

Screw me once, fuck you. Screw me twice, fuck me. Screw me five times, fuck off!

I'm not leaving the house this weekend until this book review is done. But, it's not like I had anywhere to go anyway.

And I mean it when I say it this time.

Artifacts of the past few days:

a broken coffee table (and a nasty gash on my hand)
a heartfelt email (that was greeted with apathy and distain)
a phone number
a hangover
a reimbursement check from my last conference
a pile of books and journal articles to read
some nasty comments by some fuck (which have since been deleted)
Moose (on the couch)
a hole in my life
no more goddamn regrets
no more goddamn respect

Shitty week so far, and it's only Tuesday.

I've been up and down, high and low, dealing with the loneliness by connecting with others, and usually only finding further isolation in company. I know rationally I need to work, but by emotional state precludes serious investigation for a sustained period of time.

Today I plan to watch football and prepare my lecture for tomorrow. She said that she might stop by tonight. We'll see (if she does, that is). But I don't know if that will make me feel better or worse.

All I know: I need to get working otherwise the last few years of effort will have been for nought. And that I can't afford.

"'We, students at Westerburg High, will die. Today. Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest to a society that degrades us. Fuck you all!'

"It's not very subtle, but neither is blowing up a whole school, now is it? Talk about your suicide pacts, eh? When our school blows up tomorrow, it's gonna be the kind of thing to affect a whole generation! It'll be the Woodstock of the eighties!"

Conference wrapped up today, and overall it went very smoothly. Excellent papers, and some excellent networking with soon-to-be-colleagues. Hopefully it earned me some respect of the faculty, and moreover, some internationally renouned scholars.

I'm not sure which perturbs me more, the fact that Alito was a member of an alumni group lobbying to prohibit women and monorities from attending Princeton, or the fact that he cannot seem to remember being a member of that organization. After all, he did put it on his resume that had been submitted to the Justice Department under Reagan.

Recently Athena posted on her site, in a superficial and self-gratifying show of attention, the following:

"Tom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten into a bickering battle on yr own site, no matter what yu called me. I understand that yr pretty upset, and that yr going to be for sometime. I'm going to stop responding to what yu post on 'Fuck the World.'"

Oh, you're apologizing for the posts! That's nice! How about now apologizing for the way you fucked me over?!?!

She neglects to mention that the only reason she has not responded again is because I blocked her IP addresses.

Meanwhile, I'm slowly descending into madness. And she's dating.

btw: the ancient Greek word that gives us the word "apology" also means, in the Greek, a legal defense in trial.

I knew that my now ex-girlfriend has always had a casual relationship to the truth; I did not know to the extent that she also has a rather pliable relationship with reality until her comment on my recent post (see below). I offer below a quick translation for those that don't speak "skank."

But, first a few facts that remain omitted from her diatribe. During the course of our two plus years together, she cheated a total of six times (of which I am aware): an average of once every 4-5 months. The first incident was within months of us getting together. She finally admitted to her whorin' recently, a confession that is legally a reason to end a marriage, let alone morally a reason to end a relationship. I tried to overlook the fact that she had been lying to me the whole time. I tried to put it out of my mind, to be "civil" (which was her demand). I was trying to forgive, trying to make it work.

Athena is a determinist. In her passing acquaintance with Freud and Jung she has developed into an entire Weltanschuung (as if theoretical psychology had not progressed since the 1940's). Accountability was never an issue for her, since nothing was ever her fault. All of her actions were always explained away, due to her psychological problems, the fact that she was drunk, the interactions of the drugs she was taking, her biology . . . never due to an act of will. Here, once again, we see evidence of this lack of accountability, she claims no responsibility for things not working out. She just kept lying and spreading her legs to whomever: but that was never her fault.

I tend to be a Sartrean in these matters; I take responsibility for my actions, to a fault (except in matters economic: that is the only aspect I identify where we are all truly determined). Now her justification is that it is me, not her, which should be seen for what it is--another attempt to absolve herself of responsibility for her actions. That I couldn't marry or have children with someone who so callously and maliciously took my love for granted, that I had a hard time being intimate with the images of half a dozen "errors in judgment" bouncing around my mind, that I had a hard time trusting an admitted liar: this is to her all my fault, not hers.

To get insight into the mentality of the girl, let us examine in more detail her claims.

If I was soo bad then maybe yu [sic] should have left me, rather than volunteering to be a victim (but then, what's new about that?).

I'm not sure how your active deception constitutes my "volunteering to be a victim." I did not choose this: you did. I kept trying to work on it, I still had faith in our relationship. It is your decision that has led to this, not mine. And I am the victim (n. "One who suffers some injury, hardship, or loss, is badly treated or taken advantage of, etc." OED 2d)

I am always amazed at how yu [sic] manage to twist things around so that yu come out a hero, the ever martyred nice guy.

I bet yu wont even keep this comment up.

Ah, but then how will I provide the readers of "Fuck the World" (both of them) with the evidence to support my claims?

The truth of the matter is that I wasn't happy with yu for quite sometime; that my own fear of hurting yu kept me from breaking it off sooner ( I was damned either way); that even when I tried to leave in the past, to yr face, yu would use yr semantic tricks to manipulateme [sic] into staying, out of guilt and nothing more.

Aside from your improper use of semi-colons, there are serious errors in your justification. By "semantic tricks," I think you mean pointing out your poorly-thought and poorly-reasoned foundations for your actions. I am trained to argue, and to spot errors in reasoning. These are not "semantic tricks," but rather the general structure of rationality (of course, modern science seems like "magic" to native populations, unfamiliar to technology; so, too, must the correct use of sound arguments seem like a "trick" to some.)

And its not like I take a lot to keep happy. A dinner out just the two of us once in a while, and a lay once a week.

One must add to this list:

• cleaning (more on this below)
  
• cooking
  
• working (two jobs) to support you
  
• "cuddling"
  
• "tucking in"
  
• canceling plans when demanded
  
• "being civil" about your cheating
  
• helping you get out of debt
  
• spending time with your family
  
• submitting to your hostility to my friends
  

We can now add your most recent "reasons" to this ongoing list, and this is still by no means complete.

I used to clean, but after the hundredth time of doing everything and getting no recognition(yu are a total slob) for cleaning up after yu, and yu constantly telling me how lazy I am, I figured that if I'm going to get yelled at for not doing something, I might as well not do it.

This is a clear case of denying the antecedent. But aside from the logical problems with your argument, there are factual inconsistencies, too. How would I have room to complain if you were doing all that you could? From the very beginning I spoiled you; this is my fault. You got used to getting everything you wanted, and then took advantage of my good nature. The initial "deal" was that I cook, you clean. When I was fulfilling my end of the bargain and you were not, of course I got upset. This is especially true when you were not working, and I was working several jobs simultaneously to meet your expectations. I was trying to prepare a life for us; you were looking for a free ride. You can blame your laziness on me, just so long as we don't let the facts get in the way of a good story.

Everytime I was on the verge of leaving yu, I broke down and gave yu another chance, at yr request. If we haven't worked out after three years then we need to stop wasting our time.

It is your decisions, your unfaithfulness, your lies, your laziness, your lack of accountability that was causing our relationship to not work out. How does this become giving me "another chance?" And then, the final insult was to leave without so much as a word, and to pin all the blame on me. I always conceded to your demands; that's why you never left. Every time you came to me with a legitimate issue, I attempted to alter my behavior. Such cannot be said for you, for your lying, or your cheating. The mystery is not why you were unhappy, but moreover why I kept trying to make the damn thing work. But, clearly I'm the asshole.

As much as I love yu, and I do, the truth is that yr too negative.Yu constantly told me how I was lazy, stupid, annoying, incompetent and selfish. I'm sensitive to that kind of abuse.

I just can't be happy with someone so negative.

When we got together I tried to cheer yu up(that's right, I used to be cheerful), but in the long run yu ended up just dragging me down.

I can't imagine why someone who had endured what I had with you would be so negative--not only about the future I tried so hard to provide for us, but also for the way I have been treated. I thought this time would be different; I thought I had found something permanent. Does "cheering me up" include the lying and cheating, or is that just an added bonus? Does your "love" for me include these things? I thought you were different than my past relationships: but, sure as Mussolini's trains you left a bit after two years. You took me for granted, and that is part of my negativity. And what you omit is that all of my negativity was confirmed. Call it a "self-fulfilling prophesy" or an intuition of things to come, did you handle things any differently than all the rest?

Just as surely as thrown objects fall and heated liquids boil, so too do women leave. You wasted no time in taking whatever I had to give on the way, but don't pretend that it was a "two-way street." It is not that your departure is a function of my negativity, but rather my negativity is a function of your own callous and selfish attitude that you exhibited throughout our relationship, without regard for my feelings or my emotional well-being. The way that you handled the breakup is more evidence to support my claims.

BTW- Lots of people (including ex-boyfriends) disagree with yr opinion of my personality. Since yu also think the rest of the world is fucked up and yr the only one who's not, I'm going to go ahead and disregard yr comments, b/c frankly, I'd rather be happy with the world than miserable with yu.

Quite the contrary, I know I'm fucked up. I have come to terms with my own inadequacies and emotional trauma. I freely admit it. And our "relationship" is just another trash bag on that garbage heap that is my life. But at least I admit my faults. I guess that's too much for such an "honest," "self-sacrificing," "devoted" person such as yourself.

Athena left me the other day--without fanfare, and without explanation. She had been planning, plotting, and deceiving me for days (if not weeks) while she was arranging her departure. She had arranged a place to live, and playing happy, she left the house like nothing was wrong. She then called (yes, you read it right: called) me to tell me that she was not returning.

She sucked as much of the life as she could from me, with her incessant demands that I change my behavior. I always conceded. Yet she says that I am "controlling" . . .

She sucked most of the money she could on the way, too. I paid for our food, utilities, rent, and all of her clothes and makeup. She warmed the couch for most of our time together, working on part-time and temporary positions, if she worked at all. She just got a job, and (of course) rather than reciprocating, she left on the day before rent is due. Most of the last six months were occupied by her driving away our roommate, the third in a three bedroom. I now have an amazingly expensive and empty three bedroom apartment. She says she'll give me some money for rent; I'm not holding my breath . . .

She sucked away all of my time, with the constant demand for attention. I agreed to the "cuddling" and the bedtimes, and her hostility to my even going out for a beer without her. She couldn't even go to the store alone. And then she says (as they always do) "There's nobody else" . . .

She sucked back up old memories; I could recount her answers to my questions for justification before she gave them, since it's the same damn speech I've heard eight times. Laced with banality and insincerity, she refused to give any real reasons, other than such perennial classics as "I just need to be alone," "It's not you, it's me," and (the always classic) "I still want to be friends" . . .

She sucked my faith in women; perhaps in humanity.

She sucked.

Excuse me, I'm going to go urinate on her stuff.